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February 2017

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st - human please

The Peanut Butter and the Jelly (Star Trek XI, Kirk/Spock)

Written for st_xi_kink request: Five times a human euphemism/ phrase went right over spock's head, and one time it really didn't. Slightly altered, but I hope it more or less is what Dear Anon wanted. My thanks to Tekko (dissociate) and Momo-chan (hydeevergreen) for their assistance.

Title: The Peanut Butter and the Jelly
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Kirk & Spock belong to each other. Everything else belongs to Paramount.
World Count: 958

The Peanut Butter and the Jelly
by Renata Lord



Some worlds are more pleasant than others. Some species are more difficult to deal with than others. By Enterprise standards, the Larisians definitely belonged to the "other" category, even though their planet was extremely dehydrated.

"They may be whiny and spiteful," Scotty observed sagely as the ship pulled out of the planet's orbit, "But in the end, they've got no balls."

There was a murmur of lighthearted agreement on the bridge, even the normally tight-lipped Uhura giggled a little. Spock put down his data pad and turned from his station to look at the Chief Engineer, suitably curious: "I'm afraid I am not familiar with that expression, Mr. Scott. What do you mean by 'they have got no balls'?"

Scotty began to cough violently, one hand around his own throat and another gripping the emptied water bottle. As McCoy rushed to the poor Scotsman's aid, Kirk stared at Spock with the "oh this is going to be good" look plastered all over his face.

"I'm so glad you asked that question, Spock. See, as one guy to another, I would be happy to—"

"The captain means that the Larisians are cowards, Mr. Spock," cut in Uhura, once again just in time to spoil all the fun.

Kirk sighed and promised himself to hit on her extra hard tomorrow.


Kirk preferred to play 3D chess with Spock rather than playing with the ship's computer system, even though the chess-playing sequence was designed by Spock himself. He cited the reason for this as "Mr. Spock is a much more stimulating opponent than the computer system could ever be", which was a wink-wink way of saying "half the fun is to annoy the hell out of Spock with illogical moves".

Curiously enough, Spock never tried to get out from those chess matches. So here they were again, Kirk on white and Spock on black.

"Watch and learn, Spock," Kirk announced triumphantly even though his outlook was bleak by Spock's evaluation. "I'm gonna turn the table on you in just a second!"

"That would be an exhibit of poor sportsmanship, captain." Spock looked at the table doubtfully. "Furthermore, I'd like to point out that the table is made of solid tritanium alloy."


Being a starship commander is all about leadership, courage, and all that jazz. Jim Kirk is good at it.

None of that helped in this situation, however, so it took Kirk a solid minute to finally blurt out "I have a thing for you" while Spock waited patiently for him to explain why he kissed his first officer.

It definitely did not help, either, how no understanding registered on Spock's face.

Another eternity passed before he heard Spock saying: "Captain, what is it that you wish to give me?"

Kirk choked a little but quickly recovered by leaning in for another kiss.



The planet was called Drika. The being who greeted Kirk's landing party at the ground transporter room was a very grandmother-y old lady who called herself Miru. Long story short, Lady Miru fawned over Captain Kirk like any grandmother would with a grandson who just came home from college—and then wondered out loud why did the young man come back without his girlfriend boyfriend. The Drikans were expecting both the captain and his first officer, apparently.

"We did not make such a request explicit in our communications, no. But—oh, how do you humans say it? You and Mr. Spock. Peanut better and jelly. You are the peanut butter, Captain Kirk, why would you come to our planet without your jelly?"

Of course, this had to be the one time for Sulu to accidentally leave his communicator on. The old lady's plea was heard by the bridge with perfect clarity. Amidst the muffled snickering, Spock spoke with great dignity: "I would ask you to explain the reasoning behind this comparison, Mr. Chekhov; but for once, I feel that it is better for me to stay ignorant."

That was the (rather sneaky) human half of Spock lying through his Vulcan teeth, because when Kirk finally came back and they got to be alone with each other, he raised the inquiry to Kirk over a game of chess.

"Captain, I overheard Lady Miru's rather emotional comment to you when you landed, and I must confess that I am most perplexed as to how do we resemble these two common household food on earth."

Kirk did his best to explain how peanut butter and jelly was Meant To Be together, all the while trying very hard not to burst into laughter. His efforts came to naught, however, because at the end of his explanation Spock looked up at him from the chess pieces, still mildly confused.

"But captain, why are you the peanut butter and I'm the jelly? I think I'd prefer peanut butter."


McCoy will never, ever forget that day.

Sulu, Chekhov and himself were taking lunch together. After noticing that Yeomen Merqua's lunch plate was half-empty yet again, Sulu started to privately comment about how even in this day and age, some young human women still felt pressured to half-starve themselves to fit into the beauty ideal. Being a doctor, McCoy agreed wholeheartedly and launched into a full-blown rant.

"….and they tell me, 'oh no doctor, I really just have no appetite, I can't eat the food at all', when their bio stats are all over the place! Just what is so damned difficult about eating food?" He was waving his fork with great dramatic flair when Spock walked in. "You open your mouth, you put it in, and you swallow!"

"Well, doctor," the Vulcan commented off-handedly as he strolled past them to get a cup of tea from the replicator. "I do believe some of us spit."




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ohh i love your icon check off!!!!!
Dammit, author, i am a reader not a soda dispenser! I am not suppoed to have arbonated beverages spurting out of my nose! :D

This is brilliantly funny and cute and wonderful :D
Dammit, author, i am a reader not a soda dispenser!

I'm sorry to have caused you discomfort. *offers cookie*
*dies* oh, spock. OH, SPOCK. LUUUULZ.

this was so brilliant ♥
oh, Spock is so CUTE when he's perplexed by human idioms! And that ending was perfect *G* wish I could've seen the look on McCoy's face LOL
I lol'd. For real. And got some weird looks from my girlfriend's little sister in the process. XD;
*squishes fic*

oh, i just LOVE your writing style - it's so tender & beautiful.... lovely fic!
your writing style - it's so tender & beautiful

Cool! When I show my true form and be all twisted and angsty, YOU WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU, mwahahaha!
Bwahahahaha! PERFECT ending! I do believe you are becoming one of my favorite spirk writers.
at first I sat there for a while, puzzled at the ending. Did McCoy spit his food or something?


holy crap, BEST FIC EVER. ♥♥
Ha ha! That last line is hilarious! XD
And Spock for the win! :)

I can see Kirk getting a lot of mileage out of Spock being his "jelly" (and there are probably oodles of dirty jokes one can dream up, too). And why do I think there were a lot of experiments with peanut butter after Spock's statement of preference?

The expressions on everyone's faces (particularly McCoy's) after Spock's last lines must have been awesomely priceless.
I can see Kirk getting a lot of mileage out of Spock being his "jelly" (and there are probably oodles of dirty jokes one can dream up, too).

Cream on my jelly?

/shoots self
I'm in LOLawe pver the last one. ♥
LOL the ending was perfect!
omfggg that last line was such an old-timey dirty 1940s punchline -- BEAUTIFUL.
Oh god. that was amazing!
LMAO! Priceless.
I do believe that's the finest parting shot I've ever heard!
Haha, that end was brilliant.
This was hilarious and fun!
I love Spock in this one, he's too cute. And Kirk just being OHOHOHO~ for half the fic. XD
HAAAAA loved the last line. This was quite amusing. :)
*ROTFLMAO* *sits up* *wipes tears from eyes* That was great! Classic, simply classic! *goes back to rolling around on the floor, giggling like a madwoman*
Lol o Spock. I loved this, it was really great!
For some reason, your icon combined with the ending made me giggle.... :P
awesome. Awesome! AWESOME! AWESOME!Q@#!%@&#^%$

that is all I can say...ie. awesome
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