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The REAL Trouble with Tribbles (Star Trek TOS, Kirk/Spock)

Written for the premise: What if there is a Tribble!Kirk and Tribble!Spock amongst the vast tribbles army in the TOS episode "The Trouble with Tribbles"? This is, as you might suspect, TOTAL CRACK. It might contain mpreg too, but can tribbles (which are born pregnant btw) really have mpregs?

Major thanks to dissociate who fed the tribbles with me.

Available in Russian thanks to the lovely eldariel:
http://never-parted.diary.ru/p92602517.htm

A very cute Chinese version was translated by helenharris (<3):
http://www.mtslash.com/viewthread.php?tid=42207&extra=

Also, fanart! :D
One by ayumi_lemura
Another one by aleniakalain
One on DA by surrenderdammit

Available in audiofic mp3 format courtesy of bigmamag. :)

And, LO AND BEHOLD, dissociate made the actual tribbles!

Title: The REAL Trouble with Tribbles (or, how the tribbles conquered the Klingon Empire)
Author: Renata Lord (snowlight)
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,450
Disclaimer: Still not mine, much to my chagrin.

*

Spock refuses to coo. He deigns it too undignified.

Besides, he's pretty sure he isn't required to, because he isn't like the others anyway. He wasn't even born on Iota Geminorum IV. He was born on Iota Geminorum III, the result of a hybrid experiment conducted by mad scientists.

This makes him a member of an extreme minority of tribbles currently residing on the U.S.S. Enterprise. He also regards his compatriots' enthusiastic eating binges with a total logical pessimism, rendering him an army of one.

The other tribbles call him blueface, or worse, rough-furred bastard. He's quite aware but doesn't really care. No point in sugarcoating the truth. Content to stay in his hideout, Spock meditates and awaits the catastrophe that would be the inevitable result of unsustainable lifestyle choices and environmental degradation.

But Jim can always find him. And Jim always does.

Spock doesn't know how Jim does it. Literally hundreds of tribbles are on this deck of the ship alone, a number growing at an alarming rate. Yet no matter what crack or nook he hides in, Jim always shows up, purring happily and bringing food.

"How did you find me?"

Jim rubs him at one end affectionately.

"Roses are red, Spocks are blue."

"I'm the only blue tribble on this ship," Spock points out. "And there will not be any additional blue tribbles which may conceivably cause confusion, since as a hybrid I am incapable of reproduction."

"Right. Right. That's why I've been reproducing extra hard for the both of us!" Jim is practically singing. "Soon we'll have more kids than Janice!"

"Jim," Spock wishes he has the feature referred to as eyebrows by this ship's humanoid occupants, just so he can raise them. "Let me remind you again that we are on the precipice of a catastrophic overpopulation crisis."

"Spock, that's so cold! Don't you love our kids? The last one was even growing blue hair when he ran off! I swear!"

He looks at the golden furball in front of him and sighs internally. Jim grins and inches closer, nudging him gently. Jim's hidden oral crevice starts to press against his, soft but insistent. Ah yes, food.

As much as Spock likes to deny it, he does have the craving for food.

*

Afterwards, Jim grows too tired to coo, and falls soundly asleep.

Spock decides to venture out and take a survey of the current living conditions of the tribbles on this deck and the one below it. It's dull as far as scientific work goes, but with little else to occupy his time, beggars can't be choosers. At least Jim isn't roaming the hallways and causing trouble. That's always a relief.

But when he returns to his little lair, he finds it empty. Of course. Jim's probably wandered off somewhere by now. Flirting with other tribbles, most likely. That is truly one tribble without shame. Spock doesn't understand why Jim insists they have a bond. It's a metaphor for something, he's sure. He just doesn't know what Jim exactly means by that.

With that thought, he curls up and drifts into a meditational trance.

*

When he wakes up, Spock immediately senses a drastic change in the environment. The entire deck is disturbingly quiet, completely devoid of familiar and relentless tribble mind chatter he's so used to. His internal alarms immediately go off at max, but quickly a near panic seizes him when he realizes Jim is nowhere to be found either.

It's not rational. Jim must have been rubbing off on him, no lame pun intended. It couldn't have been. But in Spock's mind is a cold, gripping fear that Jim was taken from the lair in his place. Jim, who cuddled with him and gave him ridiculous nicknames and insisted they'd have children together even though his kind couldn't reproduce. Sure, Jim is insufferable at times; but even more insufferable is a life without Jim, even if it did mean assured continual existence in the absence of overpopulation. Spock wonders why it took him so long to arrive at this conclusion.

As he moves at top speed towards the turbolift, he can only hope it's not too late.

*

There are three things generally true about tribbles:

1. They love to eat and reproduce.
2. They love to coo.
3. They hate Klingons.

Unlike Spock, Jim is very, very good at being a tribble. Thus, it's only logical that Spock is greeted with the sight of Jim hissing aggressively towards the Klingons before a crowd.

In the midst of the commotion, Spock can only see Jim, cresting in the human captain's hands and shaking with a rage Spock's never seen before.

"You murderous bastards!" Jim is shrieking, "I almost took that grain! I almost killed Spock!"

Not quite understanding what is going on, Spock moves unobtrusively under the shade of a nearby table. He'd have to wait this one out, but seeing Jim alive and well is reassuring enough. And seeing Jim so concerned about his welfare—when he himself would have considered his death no big loss in the light of overpopulation—makes him actually feel warm and fuzzy somehow.

The humanoids exchange more words, people come in and go, and finally the room is quiet again except for the low murmuring of the tribbles. Spock moves out of the shadow cautiously, uncertain what should he say to Jim, who is in the other corner of the room, turned away from him.

But before he can make up his mind, there is the sound of a door opening, and he is picked up by something and dangled in the air. It's the captain, accompanied by another human male.

"Well Bones, look what do we have here." The man regards him with a smiling curiosity. "A most peculiar color, isn't it? I've never seen one like this before—and hey, he's not purring, either."

"Fascinating," the other man says in a decidedly mocking tone. "I think this would be one of those hybrids I've heard about. They have a much cooler temperament than the normal tribbles. Reminds you of a certain pointy-eared Vulcan, doesn't it?"

"Very true. Very true. Although...I think Jones mentioned something about how they can't reproduce?"

"Nope. That's why there're so few of 'em."

"In that case, perhaps we should keep it as a reminder of our favorite Vulcan, a mascot of sorts? With all the other tribbles gone and this one sterile, there would be no danger of another tribble takeover. Besides, I know somebody who would love it."

That last sentence quickly catches Spock's attention. All the other tribbles—gone? He struggles to see Jim's corner, but only finds it empty. In a rare display of panic, he uses all his supertribble strength to break free from the human's hold, landing on the table beneath him.

Must find Jim. Must find Jim. Must find Jim, NOW...

With a soft thud he moves off the table and dashes for the door. Something comes from behind him, however, grabbing onto him and refusing to let go. At first contact he knows instantly that it's Jim, and no other. They hug tightly, as if discovering each other for the first time.

"Ha, gotcha!" Jim sounds tired, but happy. "Never gonna let you go now."

Spock has no reply to that, really. Something inside him melts at that sound. It's most illogical.

"Would you look at that," the captain's voice hovers over them even though they can't see his face. "I daresay our little friend has a friend of his own."

"How endearing," the doctor answers with the tenderness of an iron shovel.

"Feels wrong to separate them somehow. Oh well, let's go check with Scotty for that update."

*

The rest, as they say, is history.

Two hours later, they are beamed over to IKS Vor'kar. In another three hours, the tribble onslaught of the Klingon ship is complete. By the end Jim decides to call it the Glorious Revolution. Spock thinks it's silly but doesn't say anything. It's gratifying enough to have the golden furry ball back, right next to him.

They are sitting in the captain's chair together now, just the two of them. Around them on the bridge, a petrified Klingon crew is working to get the ship back to the Klingon capital Qo'noS.

On the comm screen, some important-looking Klingon guy is offering profuse praises and extravagant homages to the awe-inspiring tribble race. The speech is punctuated with phrases such as "I, for one, welcome our new tribble overlords."

"I like this chair," Jim yawns, snuggling even closer.

Spock does not coo. There would be no evidence that he ever did.

*

Finis

Comments

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OHMYGOSH TRIBBLES

TRIBBLES

I have no coherence. ♥!! My favorite line is "Roses are red, Spocks are blue."

(Anonymous)

definitely the best line!!
this was adorable!!!!
"I, for one, welcome our new tribble overlords."

The whole fic is perfect, but this line takes the quadrotriticale cake. :3
What can I say. I've always wanted to see the fearless Klingons capitulate to the badass tribbles. ;)
teHEE, TRIBBLES!
*ded from cute*

this is pure win, ♥
Thanks, but are you sure you are not dying from the crack?
Oh WIN WIN WIN!!!! Thank you for brightening my morning.
Hehe. I saw the rec. Thanks and I'm glad it made you happy. :D
*gigglefit*

tribble!Jim and Spock are far more adorable than their humanoid counterparts. And I want to keep them!

*mems*
I loved this! There are tears of laughter in my eyes. Thanks.
lovely!!!!
I love to have them both for my own hehehehe.
it would be great if there is a sequence ^^~
Yeah, dissociate and I were talking about making our own tribbles...they wouldn't coo, but hey.

As for sequel, I currently have no plan for that. But if inspiration strikes, I'll definitely write it. :)
this was awesome! well done, perfect mixture of crack and is suppose FLUFF is the right word in a number of ways
Tribble overlords... fantastic! I loved everything about this story! :)
LOL AND AWWWWWWW ALL AT ONCE!! :D
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

*three hours later*

OH MY GOD!

*stares* This is the sweetest, funniest, most crackish, loveliest fic I've seen in a very very very long time *clings to fic and purrs* It is made of awesome and sweet and probably if I read it again my heart would burst from the goodness~

and and and, just, GUH!
I'm so glad you liked it so much. ^_^ I was grinning like an idiot as I wrote it.

K/S just brings out the sweet side of me I guess. Previously I haven't written anything like this in years and years.
dare i say this was tribbilicious
Hmm, do tribbles go well with hot peppers? :P
I loved this! Thanks for the laugh.
"How endearing," the doctor answers with the tenderness of an iron shovel.

*cries laughing*
*applauds weakly, whimpering with laughter*
This was cute and adorable enough to make me forget my food poisoning. And tribble!Jim yelling at the Klingons is hilarious.
Aww, I'm glad it was of comfort to you. Hope you are feeling better!
"Roses are red, Spocks are blue."

How is it possible that the cutest K/S line I've ever read is in a crack!fic? *dies*

In the midst of the commotion, Spock can only see Jim, cresting in the human captain's hands and shaking with a rage Spock's never seen before.

Wait, I thought Jim was a tribble! But he's also a person--and also a tribble? *brain melts*

Spock meditates and awaits the catastrophe that would be the inevitable result of unsustainable lifestyle choices and environmental degradation.

I love Spock's analysis of the other tribbles! :D And awwww, Jim always finds his Spock XD
Spock refuses to coo. He deigns it too undignified.

ROTFL. You almot killed me with that line alone. You managed to infuse your tribbles with a surprising number of traits from their human counterparts :-DD Although I have to say, a tribble!Jim sounds suspiciously like reboot!Jim. LOL. Lovely fic. The image of tribble!Jim and Spock cuddling together and cooing (although Spock would never admit it) is just too cute for words.
Hmmm, I think you may be right regarding the reboot sneaking in. ;) It's hard for me to write the inner processes of the TOS characters still. Especially Kirk, I think. He has a hardness in his personality that I am not accustomed to (TOS!Spock does too, but in a different way which I can deal with).
WHY THE FUCK IS THAT SO PRECIOUS. AUGH. <33333
BECAUSE K/S IS PRECIOUS AND EPIC AND HAS DESTINY WRITTEN ALL OVER IT LIKE A CHOCOLATE CAKE HAS FROSTING ALL OVER IT. <33333

Edited at 2009-09-26 05:42 am (UTC)
omg, i was grinning like a maniac from the first line on; this has totally made my night! thank you so much!!!
*flails* Adorable!
Lol at the concept of tribble!Jim reproducing extra hard to make up for Spock, while Spock is worrying about the effects of overpopulation :P
It's hard being a logical!tribble. :)
"I, for one, welcome our new tribble overlords."
bwaaaaaa!! Love it! Thanks.
Awww, that was so cute and funny. Tribble!Spock seems a wee bit depressed, poor thing, but I loved how he went off when he was worried about Jim. ♥ The "overlords" line was gold.
Yeah, I think a tribble with Spock's personality would be a bit depressed, in face of all the lack of logic. I was totally cheering him on when he went off to find Jim, though. :)
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