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February 2017

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st - narada, loss

Unbroken (Kirk/girl!Spock, Star Trek XI Mirrorverse, R)

Written for sacred_20 prompt #13: Sanctuary. Many, many thanks to spookyfbi, who humored me with extensive Socratic Method discussion; and to dissociate, who beta read.

A/N: This is in the same universe as Perfumed. I don't necessarily want to be known as "the chick who wrote that whole slew of mirror fics where Spock is the Captain's girl", but alas, the heart ships what it ships. Anyway, this particular piece is an exploration of the aftermaths of a nuked Vulcan in the mirror universe. Honestly I don't know why Spock is a girl (except that maybe spookyfbi is too awesome), but it just feels this way, somehow.

Title: Unbroken
Author: Renata Lord (snowlight)
Pairing: Kirk/girl!Spock, XI Mirrorverse
Rating: R
Word Count: ~2,200
Disclaimer: There is a company called Paramount....

*

Kirk told himself he would give her twenty-four hours. He started cracking the security code to her door at the mark of twenty. He succeeded at twenty-two.

"You sure you want to do this?" McCoy was right behind him when the moment came, with that usual detached interest. "I'm seriously getting sick of having you in med bay on my turf. Security measures are a bitch."

"Careful there, Bones. People might start to think you cared." The captain chuckled humorlessly. He took a deep breath and punched in the code.

The door slid open. The lights were off, and no sound came out. Kirk looked to the guards posited at both sides of the entrance.

"Pending further order, you are to come inside to retrieve me after five minutes."

He wasn't sure about her psychiatric condition, but judging from their previous sparring records, he estimated he could reasonably hold out for that long without incurring permanent damage, should it come to blows. He rather hoped it didn't, since it was Spock. But on the other hand, it was Spock.

The guards saluted. Kirk spared one last look at McCoy's smirk, and went in.

*

Using the captain's override, Kirk instructed the computer to turn the lights on at ten percent. Barely enough luminosity for the Terran eye, but he didn't want to further agitate a potentially deadly Vulcan. The room looked quite in order aside from her uniform in an usually messy pile on the floor, which was a surprise given Spock's presumed condition. A very peculiar smell and vibrations of a sweltering heat, however, radiated from the bathroom's direction.

Seven seconds later Kirk was standing by the bathtub, overlooking the naked, sleeping form of his first officer.

Almost entirely submerged in water, she looked....fragile; but that must have been a distinctively human figment of imagination. Perhaps it was the way her short hair fanned out in the water, revealing a face that was for once free of silent disapproval. Or the way her hands were folded neatly over her abdomen, right above her heart. Or the way her legs were slightly bent at the knees, as if she wanted to curl up in the heat and stay there.

As touching a picture as this was, Kirk wanted his second in command back. He tightened his grip on the phaser.

"Spock."

The Vulcan didn't open her eyes, but she did acknowledge his presence. Pale lips were pressed into a hard line, and there was it again, the familiar scowl.

"Captain, your visit is ill-advised."

She sounded almost fine. Kirk wanted to convince himself of that. Regardless of planetary annihilation, these were Vulcans, the species with the longest stick up their asses in the entire Empire. At least outwardly, Spock hadn't even reacted that badly to the loss. She simply sat down at her station for a while before saying, "Captain, I shall be in my quarters. Please see to it that I am not disturbed."

Except she left without waiting for a response from him.

He may have a reputation of being brash and cocky, but James Kirk didn't get command of the Empire's flagship at this age by being a self-deceiving fool. This one was his, and for better or worse, he knew her better than that.

"If you don't want me coming in, make your security code harder to crack next time." The human shrugged, trying to keep the tone light. "What's that smell coming from the sink?"

"Vomit."

He'd never seen her throw up. Wouldn't have dreamed of it. This was getting fascinating.

Kirk leaned down, half-kneeling by the tub. His right hand remained on his phaser, but he reached out with his left hand, touching Spock's forehead cautiously. The Vulcan's body convulsed violently at the contact. Some of the water sloshed over the rim, drenching his uniform. Kirk kept his hand there, however, and eventually the thrashing subsided. He felt like he was fifteen and in Iowa, soothing his injured horse before putting it down. Dark blood and coarse breath on white snow.

Easy there now. Easy. Good girl.

He blinked that quiet whisper in his head away, faintly startled. Spock wasn't broken like that. He would never allow it.

Yet the Vulcan did look as pale as death itself. Kirk watched her outer set of eyelids twitching under his fingers, the way she held herself through bouts of shivering. The only reason he hadn't gotten pummelled yet was probably because Spock's body was too busy fighting an internal war. But—why? Unlike the Arethsians, the Vulcans didn't share a pan-species collective consciousness; and Spock had made it very clear that she never cared much for Vulcan except possibly her father's political muscles. And even that she defied when she joined Starfleet against Sarek's wishes. Had to get away from all that fucking boring logic, no doubt.

As Kirk kept caressing her forehead, a speckle of memory bubbled on the surface of his mind, ominous but persistent. Year two at the Academy. Instructor Jawol's class on Internal Security. Something about the extent of telepathy; the fate of I.S.S. Intrepid. The Vulcans never admitted to the possibility, of course, but Jawol had seen the immediate effects of that ship's demise on his engineering officer, a highly telepathic Vulcan—someone like Spock. Now, take that doomed ship, and multiple the tallies by a million, a hundred million....

"You felt them dying."

For the first time in a long while, James Kirk felt a twinge of horror. Fucking stupid telepaths and fucking stupid Vulcans getting themselves blown up by a fucking Romulan, of all things. He stared at her face and saw her dark eyelashes trembling just slightly, and suddenly he was back in Iowa, with the winter wind howling through him, freezing every vein.

He blinked again. No.

"It's still there in your head?"

Spock growled, showing very white, very tightly clenched teeth. It wasn't a remotely pretty or feminine sound.

"Captain."

This was probably the last warning he'd get, the last chance to turn back with his tail between his legs and let Spock work out the shock on her own; but Kirk didn't like that prospect, didn't want to get shut out from this mess. He had a right. As her captain, her direct superior, the only Terran to ever get to her in whatever degree, he had the goddamned right, and he was going to use it.

The five minutes mark was fast approaching, too. He wouldn't want the crew to think he couldn't control his own first officer.

Kirk flicked open his communicator.

"Security, previous order amended. No action necessary," he called into the device crisply before pressing the entirety of his palm against the side of Spock's face.

"Let me."

It was as much a request as he would ever utter, and as much a demand as she would ever acquiesce to.

*

Spock's skin was surprisingly cold. Normal temperature for a human, but not for a Vulcan who had been practically soaking in a sauna. Even in the dim light, Kirk noticed the little goose bumps on the part of her shoulder that was barely above water. He had an impulse to kiss them. He did not.

Instead, he traced the lines of her cheeks, her jaw, and her pointed ears. He applied pressure evenly and steadily, trying to give Spock something to focus on amidst the pain. He knew he should keep talking, too, that was good for a distraction.

"Do you need to take shore leave?" The captain offered half-heartedly.

He didn't really want to let her out of his sight under these circumstances, but the Empire's information networks were bursting with news, speculations, as well as reports from the negotiations already underway. That buzz would persist until things settled down and the internal power structure rearranged itself. Near extinction brought on by planetary destruction makes for a politically sensitive time, and a Vulcan lucky enough to survive the genocide would do well to situate herself in the middle of the happenings.

Spock tensed palpably under his fingers.

"I have no desire to return to Vulcan." She made a sound that just barely masked a hint of derision at the fallacy of returning to a planet which had been sucked into a black hole. "Or to rejoin the Diaspora. Historically, whenever a regional Vulcan population faced localized extinction, the females were pressed to regenerate the race, with medical aid if necessary."

It was a sterile statement, but the human could hear the distaste in the intonation.

"Given the present situation, it is highly likely that they would attempt to usurp control of my body."

"They won't," Kirk said a little too quickly.

It was by reflex, really. But when he saw Spock opening her eyes and looking at him, he realized what had just been said. Rather improbably, he meant it too. Vulcans can go to hell. They don't have a claim on her. They aren't on this ship every day having to deal with her prissiness, her obstinacy, and her fucking amazing brilliance. They all but cast her out when she snubbed their precious little science school to join Imperial Starfleet. Well, as the old Terran saying goes, finders keepers.

"The only way they're going to take you off this ship is in a coffin." He promised, fingers pressing against the hollow of her throat, the skin there was deceptively soft. "Even then, I'd make sure your cold, dead body isn't in it."

"As always, Captain, your territoriality is most illogical."

"Well, all the logic in the quadrant didn't save your planet from getting blown up, did it?" It was a cheap shot. He was good at those.

He prepared for a direct blow, but the touch that came instead was unexpected. Spock's hands snaked out to catch both of his wrists, her grip solid and immovable as promethium handcuffs. Kirk fought the instinct to struggle and allowed himself be pulled aside by the hand, so they were face to face.

Spock was almost smiling. It gave her the cruel visage of a vengeful deity.

"James," she breathed against him and it was his turn to feel the goose bumps. "If you are attempting to elicit an emotional response from me, you are succeeding."

"That's why you don't belong with Vulcans," Kirk said as smoothly as he could despite the onslaught of pain. He thought he could hear the bones cracking, just a little. "You belong with me."

"Delusions of grandeur." Spock hissed and let go of his wrists. With one swift movement, she pushed herself to sit up in the tub. One press to a button on the wall drained the water, and her wet body rose before Kirk's hungry eyes, magnificent in the dying light.

Kirk stood up behind her as she headed out of the bathroom door, her footsteps light but once more certain.

*

He leaned on the door frame watching as she dressed herself with the usual fastidiousness. Spock made no attempt to hide her body from his gaze, but neither did she put on a display. Her movements remained efficient as she stepped into black panties and regulation trousers with easy grace.

Spock had first showed up at the Enterprise wearing a man's uniform, and since the captain didn't say anything about the matter, nobody was going to comment. It was a damn shame with those legs—which, like every other part of her, were silk wrapped over steel.

She donned the conservative blue blouse and finished dressing by tying the golden sash neatly over her waist.

"You look nice." He nearly whistled.

Spock said nothing but was immediately at the desk, not sitting down but fingers flying on the computer keyboard all the same. As she perused through what was undoubtedly an avalanche of communications, her eyebrows arched and an intent light came to her eyes. Kirk knew that look well.

"What happened?" He asked in Vulcan.

Spock's eyes remained fixated on the screen, as if wanting to ascertain each word.

"My father has demanded that I should join him on Terra. It appears that he wishes to make an example of me, as none of his full-blooded children survived. I am to be bonded to a suitable Vulcan male at the first opportunity."

Kirk almost laughed. Fancy that, Sarek still thinking he can make Spock do anything. But it's doubtful he would even have much political muscle left, what with the genocide and all. James Kirk was a betting man, and he was willing to wager that if he played his cards right, the Empire's flagship captain would trump the emissary of a newly decimated species.

"So," he said casually, rubbing his wrists. "What are you going to do about it?"

Spock did look up at him then. She gave him a little not-smile.

"As I have always done."

That was all needed to be said. The Vulcan straightened up and re-tied the sash, even though it was already immaculate, and she was very much the first officer of the Enterprise again.

"Report to bridge for Alpha shift at 0745, Commander."

"Acknowledged, Captain." Spock saluted and watched Kirk walking out, both of his wrists looking red but otherwise perfectly normal.

*

Finis

Comments

Brilliant. You've done an amazing job of creating a darker, more brutal Trek universe and re-contextualizing Spock as a female instead of a male while still staying true to the core of the characters and their relationships--Kirk is still as stupidly reckless and drawn to Spock as he ever was, and Spock is vulnerable but rigidly poised, quietly rebelling against all the rules her society demands of her.

It's fascinating to see a Kirk with an understanding of political relationships and a willingness to manipulate the system to his advantage; XI Kirk does what he thinks is right and hopes for the best, but Mirrorverse Kirk couldn't have gotten where he is by being naive, and it's fascinating to see that (I'd love to see a political throwdown between Kirk and Sarek over Spock's obligations, btw ^___~).

I'm also extremely intrigued by the severity of Vulcan culture in this story--Vulcans have made a shift to pure logic without the hindrance of ethicality; they're willing to strip individuals of their autonomy and authority over their own bodies in order to repopulate expediently. It reminds me a lot of The Handmaid's Tale, and I'd love to see that concept explored more in fandom.

I love Kirk's possessiveness and protectiveness for Spock, and how this story skewed those into something dangerous and unhappy--in particular, I have to mention the lines "Kirk noticed the little goose bumps on the part of her shoulder that was barely above water. He had an impulse to kiss them. He did not" and (my favorite) "He felt like he was fifteen and in Iowa, soothing his injured horse before putting it down. Dark blood and coarse breath on white snow. Easy there now. Easy. Good girl. He blinked that quiet whisper in his head away, faintly startled. Spock wasn't broken like that. He would never allow it." They're so evocative--almost shocking, really, like little deliberate, discordant notes that jolt against the text around them and are made more powerful because of that.

Extraordinary job; I look forward to seeing more in this universe, should your muse nudge you that way.
Oh hai! Writer of epic hate sex! <3

I'm glad the re-contextualization worked for you so well. ^_^

The politics bit, I think, comes from my...habit, as a student of political science (ex-student? whatevs). The possible power shift within the Federation is something that I wondered about almost immediately after I watched XI. For mirrorverse, it's obviously going to be a much bigger deal. I vaguely have Vulcan's place in the Empire figured out (both pre- and post-nuke), although to flesh it out would require much more background building, and I think I hear the echoes of all the books I read on totalitarianism and fascism and....yeah.

I wiki-ed The Handmaid's Tale. It looks fascinating and disturbing in equal parts. The Vulcans' attachment to logic is another thing which has long interested me, because logic is not an identical twin to morality, just as beauty is not the same as goodness. (Canon example: T'Pring, whose actions Spock praised as being logical.) Evil under the veneer of logic, I think, would be interesting.

As for M!Kirk, my beta dislikes him, and for good reasons. :P Unlike spookyfbi's M!Kirk, who is basically a decent guy trapped in a bad place, my M!Kirk really grew into a condescending bastard. He is, by and large, unable to empathize with others. (Hello budding psychopath.) I would like to think that Spock would become an exception, but since I am sceptical about the redemptive value of love in whatever incarnation, so far his feelings towards Spock are mainly concerned with possessiveness.

With the horse metaphor, I was trying to show that Kirk's learned instincts really nudge him to discard people/things which had become broken (i.e, useless to him). That whole life lesson started, in my mind, with putting down the poor horse. In this case, Kirk dealt with it by telling himself that Spock can't be broken, not "I'll stick with Spock no matter what". There is an important distinction there.

For me, the best thing about writing mirrorverse is not the license to write fucked-up sex (although, okay, I've done that). Ultimately, I just love the challenge of writing two fundamentally amoral characters' relationship. I've wondered, for years, if psychopaths (which are so popular in certain fandoms) can really fall in love. And if they can, would M!Kirk and M!Spock find a way to fall for each other? To be honest I am not sure of the answer, but I sure as hell am going to try very hard to bring them together. ^_^

On a last note, I made certain small edits to the text since you first saw it, including a title change. I also forgot to link the predecessor to this piece, which is Perfumed. (I might end up rue the day I saw spookyfbi's prompt, hahaha.) Anyway, I'm really, really happy that you enjoyed the story, and even more so because you took the time and effort to write such a thoughtful reply. Thank you so much, LL&P. <3
Ooh, I've been waiting for this! *rubs hands together* Welcome to the dark side. I'm so proud to have been a part of this! And I'm so glad that I'm not the only one finding mirror!girl!Spock inexplicably alluring.

I love the relationship you've set up. The way they're both so dark and evil, but in amongst all that you can still see that there's love there, or the Mirrorverse's unique twisted version of it.

It was as much a request as he would ever utter, and as much a demand as she would ever acquiesce to.
This line I think sums up their dynamic perfectly. They're both incredibly stubborn, both wanting the relationship in their own terms, but somehow they do occasionally manage to meet in the middle when they need to.

I look forward to reading more from this universe. I would totally be "the chick who read a whole slew of mirror fics where Spock is the Captain's girl"
*throws confetti* Yay, it's finished at last! I can't begin to tell you how many times I went back and forth between porn and not-porn before Spock just walked out of that bathroom in the end.

It was as much a request as he would ever utter, and as much a demand as she would ever acquiesce to.

Yeah, I definitely think it's a very much carefully negotiated relationship, with both sides not wanting to give up more than what is absolutely necessary. But they are committed, in whatever degree, to staying with each other and making things work. It's a constant tug-of-war between them, and really, that's what makes it so interesting to me.

Let me know if you have any ideas and/or suggestions for this universe! I will poke you and we can be all philosophical again if something comes up. :D :D :D
I'm afraid I don't have any ideas at the moment, except to say 'Needs porn', but I don't think that's particularly helpful... Still, would be interesting to see how you get them to that point.
If you get any ideas I will totally be available for more discussion!
Hmmmm, porn...(Oh god, het porn. I don't think I've ever posted het porn. *headdesk*)

I have an idea or two. I think your MSN is being kinda weird though. Sometimes only your address (and not screen name/icon) show up...and it appears you don't get my messages, or just aren't there. I'll try to catch you later. :)
I don't necessarily want to be known as "the chick who wrote that whole slew of mirror fics where Spock is the Captain's girl"

How about "the author of amazing, pitch-perfect and glorious Kirk/female!Spock"? Because that's your sobriquet in my lexicon.

(Man, "silk wrapped over steel" is so female!Vulcan, so Spock, so Kirk-voice, so Mirrorverse, such splendid writing. And it's just one four-word phrase, just one example of this story's awesomeness.)
Aww, thank you so much. <3 I was actually wondering if "silk wrapped over steel" was a bit too over the top, so I'm glad it worked for you. :D :D :D

I have ideas!!!

I love your Spock with pants!!!
I love the relationship between the 2, because is meant to be in all the universe, in here have a lot to go with the power, and the ownership, the two of them want that own the other without give too much. they need each other, but they will never say so!!
Spock taking him by the wrist was epic, and Jim let her, that's speak volumes!!
the phrase too "It was as much a request as he would ever utter, and as much a demand as she would ever acquiesce to." that is the place for the two
but (here the ideas)
Now the balance of power had change and Spock is invaluable merchandise for Vulcans and for the Empire, as a trade card or even for sell
So if Jim will make a choice...
If he really want to keep her he must do an arrangement buying her or marrying her, because humans and vulcan will come to hunt her down!
if he thinks is too dangerous for him and his carrier he must give her away to the better bet for her and for him.

I know Jim and Spock wion't like the option too much at all, but they must make a choice and soon
a really good fics about the hunters, the doubts,
the choice this all could be epic!!!!!!!

Re: I have ideas!!!

You gave me some ideas. :D Thanks. They definitely want to own the other without giving up too much. I think neither of them would succeed in that plan. ;)

And, seriously, I LOL'ed at the thought of Kirk buying Spock. It's like The Price of the Phoenix.....

Re: I have ideas!!!

i really think that too... both of them would give up, even if they don't want to and i realy want to there when it happens!!!!!


yep Kirk buying Spock will be the lol!!!
Wow. That was wonderfully done and terrifically characterized. I loved the comparison in Jim's mind of Spock's current state to a horse having to be put down. And the language was beautiful...

He felt like he was fifteen and in Iowa, soothing his injured horse before putting it down. Dark blood and coarse breath on white snow.

Beautiful.
Thanks. :) The horse metaphor came to me randomly as I was writing it, so I'm glad it worked out well.
I can't get enough of mirrorverse and I really can't get enough of girl!Spock, so this is awesome on top of double awesome, just so you know.

Kirk's flashes of memory about putting down his horse were perfect. I can't imagine reboot Kirk ever thinking in those terms regarding a person, much less someone he cares about. This Kirk can't think any other way, even if he refuses to let it come to that.

IDK, I love Spock. I love everything she does.

I also love that I keep seeing your description as "Anyway, this particular piece is an exploration of the aftermaths of a NAKED Vulcan in the mirror universe" somehow. I mean, it is technically true, so. XD
Yay, I love both mirrorverse AND girl!Spock too. Good to know I'm not the only one. :D

And, the NAKED Vulcan? LOL4eva....
Your fic has been rec'ed! You can view the rec here at crackenterprise!
Oh yay, thank you very much. That made my day! :D
Beautiful beautiful BEAUTIFUL! This is such a wonderful story, I adore what you've done with the characters and the merging of reboot and mirror verses. Gorgeous!