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April 2017

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An Interview with Mycroft Holmes' Umbrella, OBE (BBC Sherlock crack fic, Mycroft, Sherlock)

Title: An Interview with Mycroft Holmes' Umbrella, OBE
Author: Renata Lord (snowlight)
Characters: Mycroft, Mycroft's Umbrella, Sherlock
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine don't sue etc.
Note: As the title indicates, this is pure crack. Many thanks to krazykoodles and shycroft for beta reading and Britpicking. :D

*

Please tell us a bit about yourself and your background.

MHU: I was made by James Smith & Sons Ltd in 1984, exactly fifty years after MPU (Mary Poppins' Umbrella—Ed) walked out of the very same doors. A most exalted Lady presented me to the previous Viscount Holmes as a sign of Her confidence and affection, and I have been in the Holmes family since.

So you have been with both the father and the son. Are they at all similar as men on the job?

MHU: Well, yes and no. Both of them are very focused and very dedicated, with that extraordinary gift. But I'd say the previous Holmes had more sang-froid that came with the age. Now Mycroft handles himself and almost everybody else very well, obviously, but he is much more prone to show annoyance when something doesn't go the way he wants it to.

I notice you said "almost everybody else."

MHU: He can almost handle his brother. It's a close thing, but the balance between them is constantly tipping in one direction or the other. There isn't what you might call a respectable equilibrium. At times I think it's very unfortunate that Mycroft doesn't use me as a weapon like his father once did. I am equipped for it, you know.

"Unfortunate?"

MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.

What does he use you for, aside from the obvious purpose, then? The two of you are always together.

MHU: Mycroft doesn't get rained on, with or without me. That's simply a fact of life. He's mostly indoors or inside cars, and his aides do take care of minor details like the weather. I believe he just likes holding me so he can have something to do with his hands while his brain is off somewhere doing the calculations. Oh, and I am also useful as a pointing stick. I've been told I can look very threatening.

Who's usually at the other end of the pointing?

MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.

How does the brother react to that?

MHU: It's difficult to tell. I think on one hand he quite resents it because it seems like Mycroft is acting like an unwanted tutor and invoking an authority which he prefers to not recognize. On the other hand, judging from his behaviour patterns, sometimes it's hard to not think he's doing it on purpose to provoke Mycroft, if only to prove he can.

Rumour has it that Sherlock calls you Mycroft's cane.

MHU: Mycroft does like to lean on me somewhat when he's standing. Whatever else he is, he's also a physically lazy person. He would have you believe that the inertia helps him think.

Does it?

MHU: No more than black cocoa does. You know that's what he stashes in his office's secret compartments? Cocoa and Webley pistols. I suppose it's his take on death by chocolate.

You have to admit, that wouldn't be a bad way to go. He has been accused of far worse things.

MHU: He has, hasn't he? That's the trouble with genius, at least in the case of this family. They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it. Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.

That sounds more like a description of Sherlock.

MHU: It's true for both of them. I suspect it's why they can't bear to leave each other alone even through the petty feud. Have you any idea how liberating it is to not have to explain every single elementary cerebral process to everybody around you? Mycroft is polite about it, but whenever he tosses me around in his hand while talking to some Yankee from across the Pond, it's because he has gotten impatient.

Before you go, please do tell us about the feud. It's of great interest to many of us.

MHU: Cain and Abel. Osiris and Seth. Romulus and Remus—Oh, don't look so scandalized. Nobody killed anybody here. What I mean is, with two minds like that, it was bound to happen, and it did. That's the important part. No use dwelling on the past, unless you are their poor mother.

*

Finis

Comments

……看到最后一问我终于喷了。
Before you go....咳。
Who's usually at the other end of the pointing?

MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.

喷……

然后喷那个Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.

记起来big bang theory里头有一集Leonard问Sheldon,penny为什么生气还是什么,Sheldon说,你指望我给你一个人类社会行为的解释?
Leonard说……不,我只是想你作为一个outstander能有一个更清晰的视角。

顺说,长柄伞这个东西真是很萌。我从香港带了一柄到米国,就一直没机会用过……
我觉得我就是在M哥扬长而去手里玩着长柄伞那里开始爱上他的……眼泪汪汪ing
"Unfortunate?"

MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.

....OMG.
....Did you just write what I think you wrote?
......HOMG.
I dunno. What do you think I wrote? ;)
I dunno. Is the weapon meant for punishment or assault?
....................................................................................................................................................................

I'm sure it can be both.

Just pictured Mycroft spanking Sherlock. HOT.

I expected this kind of stuff on the kink meme, but from you? *pinches my cheek*

这倒也没错啦,但是……

Leave the poor umbrella out of this!

Re: Leave the poor umbrella out of this!

Who are you to deny him pleasure!
I'm sitting here cackling like a maniac. Such a bizarre idea, but so well done!
MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.

*gigglesnort*

This was ace! Very funny. Thank you.
OMG, this is brilliant! *___________*

I think I love the bit about the cocoa and pistols the most, it's so sweet and sinister - perfectly Mycroft, then. :D
Sweet and sinister--I love that description! It is very Mycroft.
Oh, lovely. To think that the person/object which has it most together in the entire SherlockBBC!verse is MHU. :D

:P

You are forgetting JWC, John Watson's Crutches, MD!

Re: :P

Is there an interview with JWC?

Re: :P

Well, I haven't written one, but in my head the said interview would end with JWC looking for other employment opportunities since John ditched him, and these are hard economic times. :(

Re: :P

Aw! Poor JWC! :( You should totally write it.

Re: :P

Hehe, I think it would difficult for me to do something from that POV, as I can't make up John's background in my head. I'd love to see what somebody else taking a stab at it though!
Wonderful fic!
Still think this is amazing :D.
Thanks again! I was really uncertain about this whole thing when I first sent it to you, and your encouragement really helped a great deal. :D :D
Aww your welcome. Any time :D
LOL! Loved it!
Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Hee. :)

You should send this to the BBC, well, or Mark Gatiss.

MPU I think I died LOLing. :)

(Anonymous)

a secret conversation between Mycroft and his umbrella

伞:老子只是把伞!!伞啊!!!!!!!!!can you hear me? spell it out....umbrella!!!
麦哥:SHUT UP!!!! u R BRITISH-MADE!!!!! SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
伞:可是我觉得中文让我看上去更高贵..哦..你怎么可以这么对待我!
麦哥:OH~~~The author said 你丫不说英文就不让你出镜!
伞:but...but i am speaking english right now you can't do this to me. im only an umbrella
麦哥(敲打伞):well, it's ALL fine as long as u r speaking english
伞:你们太过分了!你在敲哪里!
麦哥(掏耳朵):English, English. Dear.
伞:oh please be gentle i break easily..
麦哥(GENTLY 抚摸伞):QUOTATIONMARK: Everything will be fine as long as u do NOT try to speak chinese. QUOTATIONMARK the author told me so
伞:让作者去死
伞: its getting late! oh i have to get some sleep
作者乱入: what happened here?
伞: u human are unbelievable!
麦哥:Wrong. Author, dear. not human.
伞:oh nothing the umbrella is getting sleepy and is trying to get some sleep here will you be quiet.

伞:fine author whatever that is im going to sleep.
作者:it might be better for you to speak in a former way when i am here.
伞:ya mean like this? go it dude.
麦哥: u r british-made. not those stupid american = =+ watch ur words
伞: wateverz.

Re: a secret conversation between Mycroft and his umbrella

Hahaha, this is comedy gold. Seriously cheered me up. Thanks so much. :)

(No Chinese input right now... -_-)
This is,MARVELOUS! Not just funny (I love the list of who gets the Umbrella Treatment - it makes perfect sense that Sherlock is mire annoying that the Americans, less annoying than the French *class hands in glee*) but also a fantastic character study -

"They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it."

Incredibly brilliant!