Author: Renata Lord (snowlight)
Characters: Mycroft, Mycroft's Umbrella, Sherlock
Disclaimer: Not mine don't sue etc.
Note: As the title indicates, this is pure crack. Many thanks to krazykoodles and shycroft for beta reading and Britpicking. :D
Please tell us a bit about yourself and your background.
MHU: I was made by James Smith & Sons Ltd in 1984, exactly fifty years after MPU (Mary Poppins' Umbrella—Ed) walked out of the very same doors. A most exalted Lady presented me to the previous Viscount Holmes as a sign of Her confidence and affection, and I have been in the Holmes family since.
So you have been with both the father and the son. Are they at all similar as men on the job?
MHU: Well, yes and no. Both of them are very focused and very dedicated, with that extraordinary gift. But I'd say the previous Holmes had more sang-froid that came with the age. Now Mycroft handles himself and almost everybody else very well, obviously, but he is much more prone to show annoyance when something doesn't go the way he wants it to.
I notice you said "almost everybody else."
MHU: He can almost handle his brother. It's a close thing, but the balance between them is constantly tipping in one direction or the other. There isn't what you might call a respectable equilibrium. At times I think it's very unfortunate that Mycroft doesn't use me as a weapon like his father once did. I am equipped for it, you know.
MHU: Pardon me. I meant fortunate, of course.
What does he use you for, aside from the obvious purpose, then? The two of you are always together.
MHU: Mycroft doesn't get rained on, with or without me. That's simply a fact of life. He's mostly indoors or inside cars, and his aides do take care of minor details like the weather. I believe he just likes holding me so he can have something to do with his hands while his brain is off somewhere doing the calculations. Oh, and I am also useful as a pointing stick. I've been told I can look very threatening.
Who's usually at the other end of the pointing?
MHU: The French. The brother. And the bloody Americans. In that order.
How does the brother react to that?
MHU: It's difficult to tell. I think on one hand he quite resents it because it seems like Mycroft is acting like an unwanted tutor and invoking an authority which he prefers to not recognize. On the other hand, judging from his behaviour patterns, sometimes it's hard to not think he's doing it on purpose to provoke Mycroft, if only to prove he can.
Rumour has it that Sherlock calls you Mycroft's cane.
MHU: Mycroft does like to lean on me somewhat when he's standing. Whatever else he is, he's also a physically lazy person. He would have you believe that the inertia helps him think.
MHU: No more than black cocoa does. You know that's what he stashes in his office's secret compartments? Cocoa and Webley pistols. I suppose it's his take on death by chocolate.
You have to admit, that wouldn't be a bad way to go. He has been accused of far worse things.
MHU: He has, hasn't he? That's the trouble with genius, at least in the case of this family. They understand the human condition very well, but in the general sense they have trouble picturing themselves in it. Respected or not, they would always be outsiders looking in.
That sounds more like a description of Sherlock.
MHU: It's true for both of them. I suspect it's why they can't bear to leave each other alone even through the petty feud. Have you any idea how liberating it is to not have to explain every single elementary cerebral process to everybody around you? Mycroft is polite about it, but whenever he tosses me around in his hand while talking to some Yankee from across the Pond, it's because he has gotten impatient.
Before you go, please do tell us about the feud. It's of great interest to many of us.
MHU: Cain and Abel. Osiris and Seth. Romulus and Remus—Oh, don't look so scandalized. Nobody killed anybody here. What I mean is, with two minds like that, it was bound to happen, and it did. That's the important part. No use dwelling on the past, unless you are their poor mother.